Acceptance of Disloyalty

It is important to point out that it does not take two people for infidelity to occur. Many times infidelity is committed within the mind or heart of a married individual with no other participating party.

Fantasy infidelity (emotional/detached) is characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous (such as a person in a chat room) or will likely never be encountered in person (such as a celebrity), or all three.

This type of infidelity involves fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. When we let ourselves imagine what life would be like with another person, we are not being fully faithful to our spouse. Although this type of infidelity can take place entirely within one’s imagination, more and more emotional infidelity is being committed online through emails, chat rooms, or social networking sites.

President Harold B. Lee (1974, p. 37) taught that a thought is the father of an act. No man ever committed murder who did not first become angry. No one ever committed adultery without a preceding immoral thought. The thief did not steal except he first coveted that which was his neighbor’s.

Visual infidelity (detached/physical), such as pornography, is perhaps the most common type of unfaithfulness. And the physical aspect of pornography involves the common practice of self-stimulation while viewing pornography. The Lord has warned us that we should not look upon anyone lustfully (Matthew 5:27–28).

President Kimball (1962, p. 58) said, There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts, and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. . . . Many acknowledge the vice of physical adultery, but still rationalize that anything short of that heinous sin may not be condemned too harshly; however, the Lord has said many times: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old times, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28).

Romantic infidelity (emotional/attached) occurs when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. Romantic infidelity is characterized by a “second life” and commonly is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life (VanderVoort & Duck, 2004).

While a member of the Seventy, Elder Bruce C. Hafen and his wife, Sister Marie K. Hafen, noted that while romance in marriage is wonderful, “Lucifer, the enemy of our desire for fullness, tries to convince us that we must escape our dull routines and seek the dramatic gestures of romance' outside the home, because he claims that life’s petty burdens and chores impede” desire and love (1994, p. 310, italics added). They go on to suggest that Satan wants us to believe that every marriage should be like a Shakespearean love story, never asking us to imagine Romeo and Juliet dealing with household clutter, unpaid bills, and crying children.

Research confirms that there is often a “utopian edge” to infidelity. They believe that one reason this type of affair is so tempting is that it offers an escape from everyday life. An adulterer might feel like he or she is empowered and reinventing his or her life. However, research by Duncombe and Marsden (2004) suggests that those who are unfaithful as a way to escape everyday life will be disappointed over time, since everyday life has a way of catching up with us. Initially infidelity can seem spontaneous, romantic, and thrilling. Over time, the exciting romantic target “ceases to be a stranger and routine becomes the enemy of spontaneity,”

Sexual infidelity “Whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul” (Proverbs 6:32). In contrast to romantic infidelity, sexual infidelity (physical/attached) occurs when a person engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage with or without emotional attachment. In some instances, sexual infidelity can be detached, such as infidelity with a prostitute. In some instances, visual affairs or fantasies will lead a person into committing the more serious sin of physical, sexual infidelity. What begins as a detached fantasy or romantic affair can lead to physical infidelity.

Veon Smith, professor and marriage counselor, warned, “Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop.” In other words, what may start off as fantasy or visual infidelity can evolve into more serious types of infidelity, such as romantic or sexual infidelity, which involves other people directly. Satan will try to convince us that we can find happiness in infidelity. Even though it may seem for a time that everything is wonderful,

President Benson (1988, p. 285) warned, “Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow.”

References

Gardner, S., & Greiner, C., (2016). Honoring marital vows with complete fidelity. In Hawkins, A. J., & Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. W., (Eds.), Success marriages and families – proclamation principles and research perspectives. pp. 59-68. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University