Myths of Forgiveness

Initially nurturing family relationships as long-lasting connections can be difficult. Some myths surround the impression of forgiveness, and some writers are uncomfortable with forgiveness because empowerment of the victim, not reconciliation between the abuser and victim, is usually the therapeutic goal for victims of family abuse. And there is a perception that Western culture unfairly targets women as the ones who are expected to forgive.

It is natural to be angry and even bitter when or wronged. We must deal with our emotions and recognize somethings take time. Sometimes victims are uncomfortable with their feelings and try to skip straight to understanding, without efficiently permitting the wrong or allowing time for meaningful repentance and forgiveness to take place. But forgiveness demands recognition of wrongful behavior.

Murphy (2005, p. 33) warned of this superficial forgiveness, or “cheap grace,” explaining that “hasty forgiveness can . . . undermine self-respect, respect for the moral order, respect for the wrongdoer, and even respect for forgiveness.” Elaborating, Murphy explained that resentment legitimizes the wrongness and empowers the victim to seek redress: “Just as indignation over the mistreatment of others stands as emotional testimony that we care about them and their rights, so does resentment stand as emotional testimony that we care about ourselves and our rights” (p. 35).

Malcolm, Warwar, and Greenberg (2005) warned of “short-circuiting” anger, such that the victim inappropriately condones the hurtful behavior or ends up taking responsibility for the injury. They explained that anger provides a self-protective mechanism. Indeed, there is evidence that some forms of anger (such as “constructive anger,” which focuses our energies on ways of rectifying the situation) may actually improve health (Davidson, MacGregor, Stuhr, Dixon, & MacLean, 2000). Such constructive anger can even reduce or moderate an unforgiving attitude. Clearly, the problem with resentment is not in having it but in being dominated by it and stuck in it. An understanding of what forgiveness is—and is not—will help both victims and offenders as they attempt the complicated processes of resolution.

Activity – Is there someone in your family that would benefit your forgiveness? Is there a relationship in your life, your immediate or extended family, or maybe someone at church or work that you need to develop a better connection? When was the last time you truly forgave yourself?

References

Watson, E., & Hendricks, H. M., (2016). Repentance and forgiveness in family life. In Hawkins, A. J., & Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. W., (Eds.), Success marriages and families – proclamation principles and research perspectives. pp. 201-210. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University