Should I Reconcile or Not?

Reconciliation is often, but not always, the desired result of repentance and forgiveness. The process of resolving personal transgression as a series of possibilities in which forgiveness may be achieved with or without reconciliation. In some cases, reconciliation is not possible. Perhaps the offender is deceased, in prison, or has moved far away, and it may not be wise. Reopening a strained relationship may be uncomfortable and awkward in addition to painful. For those victims who have moved on, the pain and risk may not be worth it. In other cases, reconciliation may not be desirable. It might be unhealthy or unsafe for a victim to put him- or herself back in harm’s way.

For example, a child who has been sexually abused should be protected from the abuser and should not be pressured to communicate with him or her. Reconciliation requires a restoration of trust and a willingness to have ongoing contact. If that trust and willingness are not achievable, reconciliation is not wise. People generally work at reconciliation because they have invested a lot in the relationship and do not like to accept failure (Worthington, 2001). In addition, they are likely to still value the other person and the relationship, and they recognize that if nothing is done to mend the relationship, it is likely to worsen.

Reconciliation is a give-and-take process wherein the parties gradually move closer to each other. For example, victims are more likely to reconcile with offenders who have repented, and offenders are more likely to confess and apologize to victims whom they believe will forgive them. However, false starts and missteps are common, and there are barriers to overcome. Offenders may disagree with the charge, or they may be afraid of punishment or restrictions associated with confession. Victims may be reluctant to give up the leverage associated with victim status (Exline & Baumeister, 2000), or they may fear appearing weak and being hurt anew. Courage and humility are required for both parties in order to repair the injury—especially because in most cases of interpersonal transgression there is neither a “pure victim” nor a “pure villain” (Holeman, 2008).

References

Watson, E., & Hendricks, H. M., (2016). Repentance and forgiveness in family life. In Hawkins, A. J., & Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. W., (Eds.), Success marriages and families – proclamation principles and research perspectives. pp. 201-210. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University