What if the Offender can not or will not ask for Forgiveness?

For victims whose offenders cannot or will not repent, forgiveness is understandably more difficult. Although reconciliation may not be feasible or even desirable, forgiveness is still an important part of the healing process. All victims need to be relieved of the burden of resentment and the entanglements of a painful relationship.

Govier (2002, p. 63) asserted that “no victim will benefit, psychologically or morally from clinging to a resentful sense of her own victimhood and dwelling on the past.” One way to conceptualize the one-way, or unilateral, forgiveness process is to repent on behalf of the offender (Walton, 2005). “On behalf of” does not imply that the victim is taking the burden of repentance away from the offender. That is not possible—the responsibility will forever remain with the offender. “On behalf of” means that the victim can accomplish for him- or herself what might be accomplished if the offender were to sincerely repent.

The victim can experience the validation, freedom, and healing that come with apology and contrition even though the offender is not remorseful or is not available (for example, deceased). To envision this possibility, the five-step repentance process is revisited:

1. Recognize the offense. The offender is not the only one who is responsible for recognizing the wrongdoing. The victim must be willing to name the offense and claim the injury. What moral or civil laws were broken? How did the betraying event break those rules? What injury was sustained and what were the consequences? What is the meaning of the injury—how was the victim’s belief system changed, and how is he or she different?

2. Sorrow for the offense. Obviously, the offender should feel sorrow because of transgression. But grieving is also an essential element for the victim in the healing process. For many victims, sorrow has been averted or camouflaged by anger, and in giving up the anger, they must be willing to feel the sadness that gave rise to the anger. Sorrow is a natural response to loss and will come as the victim is able to name the offense and claim the injury, identifying and grieving all the accompanying losses. However, sorrow should be temporary—one step in the healing process, not a perpetual state of being.

3. Disclose. The offender’s unwillingness or inability to confess does not stop the victim from disclosing the offense. The victim confesses on behalf of the offender as he or she breaks the silence and shares the details of the offense with someone—perhaps a confidante, therapist, legal authority, or religious leader. By disclosing, the victim moves out of a world of confusion and shame and is now ready to place the blame where it belongs. Blaming is prerequisite to forgiving. If there is no blame, there is no need to forgive. In order to forgive, the victim must recognize that something was wrong and someone was at fault. Once that is established, the process of forgiving and healing can proceed.

4. Avoid the offending behavior. In the repentance process, offenders are expected to commit never to engage in the sinful behavior again. Victims cannot force offenders to change their behavior, but they can take responsibility for protecting themselves and others from further victimization. During this stage, victims take responsibility for their happiness and safety. They establish boundaries and make important decisions about the people they want in their lives and how they want to be treated by them. Victims who have suffered serious abuse by a family member may choose not to have any contact with that relative—at least for a time. Or they may choose to attend family gatherings, but on their own terms. During this stage, victims develop guidelines for determining a person’s trustworthiness and establish commonsense rules of conduct for themselves in order not to place themselves at risk.

5. Make restitution. Restitution is essential in restoring order and wholeness to the life of the injured person. Another way to think of restitution is “balancing the scales.” Balance is destroyed when one person takes choice away from another while at the same time increasing his or her own choices. Balance is restored to uneven scales by either taking away from the heavier side or adding to the lighter side. Likewise, in dealing with serious offenses, balance is restored by punishing the offender or by loading resources to the depleted reserves of the victim.

During this stage, the victim may take legal steps to bring about justice. However, desire for retribution may play out in ways that are counterproductive or even self-destructive. Instead of expending energy on retaliation, the victim can find ways to replenish his or her own depleted reserves. Some possibilities might include (a) joining a support group, (b) obtaining additional education or training, (c) seeking a better job, (d) rejuvenating one’s social life, (e) starting a new hobby, or (f) exploring new self-nurturing activities.

In the end, sincere repentance and genuine forgiveness are gifts from God made possible through the Atonement of Christ. With enhanced humility and empathy, the offender can gain new perspectives—that of the victim and of Jesus Christ, who atoned for that transgression. Likewise, victims also achieve forgiveness through sharing Heavenly Father’s perspective—infinite love for all His children.

References

Watson, E., & Hendricks, H. M., (2016). Repentance and forgiveness in family life. In Hawkins, A. J., & Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. W., (Eds.), Success marriages and families – proclamation principles and research perspectives. pp. 201-210. Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University