Fondness and Admiration

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I do get a kick out of homework requiring me to write about “Cherishing your spouse.”

Karen and I started using Gottman’s “Love Maps” in 2017. In fact, many of the things he discusses we have learned throughout our married life from trial and error. The great thing about it is we ran with it. It was evident to us that we needed Gottman's help.

We needed to go below the surface and stop saying what I call “the Primary answers.” You know what I mean, the Sunday school teacher asks a question to the class, primary answers come quickly, “they only answer the question on the surface” they don’t give the opportunity to explore a deeper meaning. For example, “what can you do to be more spiritual?” Primary answers are read the scriptures, say my prayers, and have Family Home Evening. A better answer might be. I’m going to make time this week to go somewhere and pour out my soul to Heavenly Father. Or I am going to write out two questions and this week I will search the scriptures diligently to find answers.

What on earth has this got to do with “Love Maps?” Couples with emotional intelligence make time to do activities outlined in chapters 4-5 in “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.” The crazy thing is they are common sense questions. Karen and I felt we were emotionally intelligent, but it was clear to me when getting into it that we were giving “Primary answers.” John Gottman has an app for your mobile it’s called “Card Decks.” Last year, Karen and I would lay on the bed with our mobiles following the questions. The app was a great help as we didn’t know what questions to ask each other. It worked very well, and it helped me understand what I needed to focus on.

What is a love map? A “Love Map” is a couple’s way of intangibly plotting out mentally, emotionally and physically “the remembrance of the major events in each other's histories and updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change. They know each other's goals in life, each other's worries, and each other's hopes and dreams. Without such a love map, you can't really know your partner.” (Gottman 2015, paraphrased). Fondness and admiration are interwoven, “heartstrings” knitted together over time to create and everlasting bond. Why is this so awesome? Because “fondness and admiration are the antidote for contempt.” It is these precious virtues that allow relationships to be nurtured and mature. These virtues a so powerful they can resurrect the most failed relationships, but not all.

As we focus on nurturing our relationship our attention will not be on the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. For your convenience, I have inserted the details of Dr. John Gottman’s book in the reference section at the end of this post, in case you want to purchase the book. It is with fondness, affection and admiration that Karen and I owed it to each other to participate in deepening our relationship and taking it to a new level.

Now that we are going through similar exercises in the course, I’ve been able to word my conversations that praise our strengths and invite us to work together on our weaknesses. That is, go below the surface. I have felt rejuvenation in our friendship even with just a few days of doing the exercises.

Exercise

• Page 56 - 57 - "Love Maps Questionaire." In this exercise there are 20 true or false questions and you score yourself. Gottman gives two summaries. You score will either be over or under ten points. Karen and I aced it! She got 19 and I got 18. Note it's just a guideline. We gave each other 20 out of 20, we knew the answers to the question as they pertained to us.
  

• Page 74 - "I appreciate you ..." Select five appreciations and share with your spouse. He gives two pages work of examples. For example, "Thank you for making dinner. It was delicious." or "Taking a walk together was really nice."
  

• Page 77 - "The history and philosophy of your relationship," (you will need a few hours to complete this). There are thirteen questionds like, discuss how you two met. Recall the first year of your marriage, were there any ajustments you needed to make? Why do you think some marriage work and others fail?

We have both agreed that we didn’t have life plans and that all our efforts have gone into our children, their happiness and success. Karen said that was her life’s goal. I validated what she said. Then I suggested that we needed a life goal together. It is a work in progress.

To finish off, I want to discuss fondness and admiration! Gottman says they are the antidote for contempt. What a gem, the antidote for contempt! Last night, I started complimenting Karen on small things like, I should have mentioned this to you yesterday, “I really appreciated you bringing in the washing off the line,” I truly meant it.

From my observation, people need to be prepared to receive praise and compliments. I didn’t think Karen believed me about the washing. I invited her to do Gottman’s’ exercises with me and to go on weekly “Date Nights.” I am a transitional character, meaning I have broken through the values, beliefs and attitudes of my parents – keeping the good and accepting, implementing and living better ideals. For example, the gospel of Jesus Christ and Gottman’s relationship techniques.

We are now joyfully learning together showing fondness and admiration to one another. Both of us have been reflecting on positive events and feelings from when we were dating, as newly-weds, and looking at the good times as we raised our family. Interestingly, we haven’t focused on the negative. I know persisting with Gottman’ philosophies will greatly benefit our relationship. The key now is to make these changes a habit – which means we need to continue to show fondness and admiration to each other daily. However, the challenge will be finishing the day positively after having a disagreement.

Bethany, Rennie, Courtney, Jim, Karen, and Blake. our fondess, affection and admiration encompasses the Temple.

Refereneces

Gottman, J., M., & Silver, N., (2015). "The seven principles for making marriage work." A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books. P:2015

ISBN:978-0-553-44771-2