Accepting Your Spouse

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Recently, I’ve stated in an assignment that Karen and I are and emotionally intelligent couple. I want to add to that comment by saying we are acutely aware of our faults and failings. This week I have tried to focus on one main point, rather than cramming in too much information into one post. As I was saying, we have crashed and burned with failed repair attempts, over and over. What gets us through is our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, the atonement, and forgiving one another.

About three years into being married, our relationship was on the rocks. Simply put, we did not know how to communicate. We prayed we had faith, but the frustration and the emotional hurt cut deep. But we didn’t give up; we knew the Savior could help us. We pleaded for help, for what seemed like months. We were led to a weekend retreat for married couples, hosted by another Faith. We were taught and guided how to interconnect. It was okay; I saw some hope. Then, about half way through the weekend the presenter started talking about this new method of getting closer to your spouse. They started teaching us what we are reading this week in Gottman’s chapter 8 and 9. “Gottman,” I said “he knows what he is talking about! Where can I get the book?” We never got the book, but we did practice the exercises (from the hand-outs) over and over until we “got it!” Who would have thought three decades later that we would reunite with Gottman’s research and be reading about the results?

“69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. All couples have them — these problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. They are either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.” (The Gottman Institute).

A real example, yesterday, (Sunday), while Karen was cooking dinner. I came up behind her (I just woke up from a power nap, because I had a meeting to go to), and wrapped my arms lovingly around her waist and said, “I lov…” … That’s all I got to say. Karen frustratedly said “get off me! I’m feeling claustrophobic.” I was still waking up and felt flooded. I can’t remember what I said in response. However, I knew I didn’t want to be in the kitchen. Moments later, my sweetheart came into the bedroom and told me off. All I heard was “you disrespected me!” I knew we needed a break and I needed to calm down, so I listened to music, and I started watching a movie. Then I sincerely approached my wife before going to the meeting and apologised, repair attempt failed. I wrote her a note saying, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way, I apologise,” and went to the meeting, repair attempt failed. Today, she was asleep when I went to work; I kissed her on the cheek. On the way to work, I texted her (we have to Bitmoji’s of ourselves), I sent two one after the other; me holding a flower saying, “forgive me?” And me looking sorry for myself saying, “I’m sorry.” Four hours later I received a text, “Thank you” with my wife smiling, repair attempt, successful.

Elder Robbins taught, “the family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives” (Robbins, Ensign, May, 1998). We have a family rule that all misunderstandings with be discussed and resolved. We have taught the children how to do this in family council, it works!

Karen and Rennie Photo source: Lehi's Tent https://lehistent.com.au/