The Martial Poop Detector

One of my favorite quotes.

Hi, Everyone,

)“Some couples have unrealistic hopes for their spouses. Those who lower their nuptial expectancy fair worse than those who raise the bar. Donald Baucom, UNC, concluded in his research that people with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality wedded-relationships. Gottman’s exploration on newlyweds confirms what Baucom found. Couples who refused to put up with negativity and softly challenge each other when visited by “the four horsemen,” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) became persistent at addressing issues and ended up happier and more satisfied years later.” (p. 280, paraphrased).

For this reason, Gottman suggests fortifying our marriages with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in danger. He dubbed it the "marital poop detector. It allows us to recognise if something doesn’t smell right.” (p. 280, paraphrased). Karen and I have learned it is better to confront issues before they fester and annoy our relationship.

For years I have been the culprit in our marriage. I carried emotional baggage from my childhood; I don’t need to reveal that detail. Here is a simple example of what I am talking about, Karen would say something to me and (pridefully) I would take it personally. I would get upset (sometimes I’d get angry), an withdraw saying nothing. I would do something to calm myself down, and to me, that was addressing the issues, who was I kidding? Three months down the track, out of the blue, something gets said that triggers those emotions, and I react. My wife instantly becomes “flooded” with my emotional outbursts. The angel that she is, response with soft start-ups and helps me navigate the issue only to find that I got upset with her THREE_MONTHS ago. I am pleased to say this doesn’t happen anymore.

Tackling the issues

• Normally the wife brings up the concern to the husband. For example, “Honey, is everything okay, you don’t seem to be yourself lately? However, husbands need to get skilled in doing this as well. (Gottman, p. 280).
  

• Assess how things are going in your marriage either today or lately. Gottman outlines this on pages 281-282, he lists twenty-five examples of possible areas of concern. That is,

* "I have been acting irritably, or I have little idea of what my partner inthinking.

* We need to talk, or Lately small issues escalate."

• Forgive yourself. Gottman says, “there are two causes for a spouse to be chronically critical. An emotionally unresponsive partner and the other source of criticism in marriage come from within.” We need to learn to forgive ourselves for all the emotional baggage, “self-doubt developed throughout our lives, particularly during childhood.” Gottman invites us to accept ourselves with all our flaws, forgiving yourself of your imperfections will make an immense difference to the marriage.” (p. 282-283).

How do we accomplish this? It’s more than just living the gospel; we need to exemplify charity in our marriages. “As we feel the love from Him, and for Him, we naturally love like Him.” (Goddard, p. 117). My eyes well with tears as I testify that I have witnessed the Savior’s hand in my life during this course. I have finally come to trust Him and my family. He is helping me repair what I considered irreparable between my son and me.

References

• Goddard, H., W., (Ph.D.), (2009). “Drawing heaven into your marriage.” Joymap Publishing. Cedar Hills, Utah.
  

• Gottman, J., M., (Ph.D.), & Silver, N., (2015). "The seven principles for making marriage work. "A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books. P:2015