We Know What Makes Marriage Work!

Deep friendship is the key to successful marriage ~Dr. John Gottman~

I am willing to put my marriage under the microscope because I know there is always room for improvement. Would I say our marriage is characterized by positive or negative sentiment override?

The short answer is both!

I draw this conclusion from the evidence base of 32-years on marriage. For us, negative sentiment override slowly crept into our marriage and by year seven it was fight-time. Everything, you’re not supposed to do I did which provoked my wife to respond. Contempt was my middle name, I was defensive, stonewalling, and I was critical somewhat.

Whatever my wife said to me I took as a personal attack. I was the problem and I needed to take responsibility. I loved her, but we were not close like we use to be. Through prayer and many failed attempts to reconcile I took it to the Lord, again, saying “what else can I do?” I was not prepared for the answer, “You’re not trying hard enough!” I got so angry, prideful and wallowed in self-pity. I did humble myself, and the Lord helped soften my heart. When I reconciled with my wife this time I had the right spirit. It’s all forgotten …

Karen and my “thoughts about each other and our marriage are so pervasive they tend to supersede our negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for us to lose our equilibrium. We are optimistic about each other, our marriage, and we have positive expectations about our lives together.” (Gottman, p.22).

We complement each other by being kind and helpful. We both know we have a lot of responsibilities and we support each other in those activities. For example, Karen knows how important studying is to me and knows I need a lot of time. She allows me to do this and doesn’t give me a hard time about not cleaning. On the other hand, I know how important cleaning is to Karen and I know she physically can’t do it by herself; and our adult children need consistent reminding to help clean. If I am asked to do something I do it straight away. It is hard sometimes, but it always seems to work out. Alternatively, I will give her a specific time and I will do the task or cleaning.

“There is one characteristic of a marriage that seems to be the saving grace of a relationship, keeping it afloat amidst all the turbulent storms they must weather. That one characteristic is a ‘deep friendship.’ The way to prevent divorce or revive an unhappy marriage is not about how you resolve arguments, but in how you interact when you’re not fighting. The ultimate foundation of Gottman’s approach is to strengthen the friendship within the marriage. If two people truly respect and admire each other, and enjoy each other’s friendship and camaraderie, they have a strength within their marriage that has the potential to endure. The bottom line is, if you treat your spouse as good as you treat your friends, you are on the right track.” (Gottman, 2012).

Years ago, I felt like my wife would nag, nag, nag about how the family did cleaned. She didn’t see the big picture of how much effort we were all putting in. Many times, I said to myself “why even try, no matter what we do it is never going to be good enough.” I tried talking to her about it, but she was not listening. I knew the concern needed to be addressed, so I took it to the Lord in prayer and the answer was so simple.

I approached my wife and said Honey, “can you teach me how to clean the way you like, so when I am finished you will feel grateful and happy the job was done?” She agreed, and over several months, she taught me how to go the extra mile when cleaning. Attitudes changed, complements, and praise increased. She now complements me in front of her friends about how she taught me how to clean and how much she appreciates it. At the end of each semester I approach my wife and say, “Babe, I am free for most of the day how can I help you?” I am given a list and I go to it.